Surah Ar-Rad 13:11
قل هو الله احد الله الصمد لم يلد و لم يولد و لم يكن له كفوا احد
Assalam Alikum, before anything, I am sorry for such a delayed response, but I respect how bold you are for admitting such a private matter.
I am no expert in this matter, but before getting married, you should get married to the right woman. I am not sure, if you are married already, but if you aren’t married, then you should lean more towards woman who are not so ‘feminine’ this was a suggestion I heard from an islamic scholar.
But you fighting this feeling is brave and Allah will reward you for it, try avoiding thinking any sexual thoughts about men and also avoid any things that might stimulate those thoughts in whatever form that may be.
I am not married, so I can’t really elaborate on the matter, but I would advise you find an open minded scholar who would discuss such matters with you and help you find ways to avoid sins.
Do not consider the thought of ‘dying alone’ because Allah gives people according to your intention.
Intend to have a beautiful family, with a woman that can make you feel that. Marriage isn’t only about pleasure, and remember that Allah will reward you for fighting such thoughts, no one is born with a ‘gay’ gene or such, its been proven scientifically, but men can have low testosterone levels which can trigger them to feel attracted to men.
I am not an expert in this, and I would like you to seek help and knowledge from a person that know more. But I am here to support you and say you are doing the right thing by seeking help.
I have never met you, but I can tell that you have a good heart, hold on to Allah and Islam, you’ll find yourself eventually in the right place.
May Allah guide you, and I hope this helps.
Yesterday I sat in one traditional wedding celebration, and while everyone danced and cheered, I sat back and just looked at everyone.
Curious to know thats on their minds, what were they thinking, feeling..
&I was indugling in that thought, until I was asked to dance and be part of it, and something in me felt like this is a culture and place I don’t belong in.
It wasn’t the first time that it crossed my mind, and I cannot deny how I constantly feel like I was placed in a place that had different thinking and values than the one I have. I truly felt like an outcast.
There is this longing feeling to be somewhere that feels like home, to be with people that understand you and share your values, people who embrace the true meaning of islam without being conqured with their culture’s belief, somewhere where islam isn’t done forcefully, but understood well enough to go with the way life works.
I kept searching for that ‘home’ feeling in my own home and culture, but something in me doesn’t catch up or fit in this whole puzzle that my family and culture has.
There isn’t anything wrong or bad in the culture, except that some of the culture belief conflicts with islam’s nature. Its selectively choosing which rules they should and shouldn’t follow and if you have evidence to prove them wrong, they’ll take it as the belief of it being ‘out of the norm’ or ‘disrespect’ or simply ‘going against your parents will’.
This place isn’t my home and it will never will be and now I know why, because this whole place is just the dunya, its just the time to pass by this life to be ready for the real home, my home, my future, my Jannah.
I will always long for you my sweet home, thats where my heart truly belongs in, my home, my Jannah.
Pray about everything, talk to God. Just let it out, all the good, all the bad. He’s always listening, prayer does change things. Even if you think God isn’t listening, let me tell you he always is. He’s always working on something for you. Breathe & ask for forgiveness and also forgive others. Remember, tomorrow is a brand new day. Start fresh & clean.